I guess I am just frustrated. Frustrated with myself when I watch my peers progress in competitions across the national stage, frustrated with my own silly standards for lindy hop, frustrated with how I am stuck motionless. It is a silly, sad thing to want more than you practice for, I suppose.
I’m in a lindy lull, if you will, and I wonder if I can get out of this funk at all. I’m tired of calling out other people when, perhaps all along, I was just so disenchanted with my own dancing. When did it become so boring and lackluster? When did I stop dreaming and wanting and waiting for more? It couldn’t have been that long ago.
I miss being a part of a community of energized individuals ready to improve their dancing. I think being a newbie was one of the best phases of my dancing journey. I could make mistakes and laugh without too much consequence. But…I’m stuck in mediocre-land these days on the vast plain of intermediate. I wonder if you know how it feels to be consistently glanced over at level screenings or to make it by the skin of your teeth. It’s not a fun feeling, and it makes you doubt everything.
I don’t know how to fall in love with dancing again. Do I try a new style? Do I go to another event? After a last unfortunate incident of elbowing someone in the face (I’m so sorry), I don’t know that I even want to meet new people. Maybe I’m just meant to do something else, dance another dance, find a new path. I don’t know.
Whether I’m depressed or not about my dancing, I cannot say. I only wish to move forward. I’m tired of critiquing others or reviewing events. I want to get down to the heart of my dancing and IMPROVE. Oh man…do I want to improve. I don’t want to sit on the sidelines at every event, looking up into the faces of competitors as a fight for a square foot of space to sit in. I don’t want to hero-worship anymore. I want to dance more like me. I want that joy feeling to manifest outside without the awkward machinations of my limbs getting in the way.
What does it look like when the Spirit moves?
I want to know.